Help me write a song

i want to make a song, just something to keep me from going insane in this house.i found a partial song i started mucking about with longggggggg ago and it didnt sound so bad, so i tabed them out and practiced. i made the following lyrics, but they sounds very love sappy (i dunno what i was thinking at the time) think its time to update the lyrics or something atleast. i know their are some creative chaps on here so if you get bored write something down here.

[Verse 1]
G
i can see it in your eyes
Cadd9
the emotions you hide
Dm
the feelings you dont show
G
that continue to grow.

G
i wish you could see
Cadd9
just how happy you could be
Dm
if you just gave me a chance
G
to be everything you needd

[chorus] (still working on chords, needs to be more upbeat then the verse)
ohhhhhh i need you here and i

needddd to hear your sweet voice

cause without you i am nothing

and with you i have everything i need.

I like the lyrics.
But then again, I'm a girl who's big on romance.

way to sappy, need something more upbeat.

i'm singing it in an upbeat way lol

BRAD....you fail! you didnt even ask me first if i wanted to help you and its not like i spend all my time in my room doing this kind of thing at all lol shame on you big boy

haha just for fun ive recorded on my phone a guitar riff im working on. its not for this song, this one is sort of butterfly effect style rock. my brother does amazing things with his keyboard, im gonna ask him to make a trancey background atmosphere for it.

have a listen,
http://www.blueit.net.au/intro_demo.mp3

Brad wrote:haha just for fun ive recorded on my phone a guitar riff im working on. its not for this song, this one is sort of butterfly effect style rock. my brother does amazing things with his keyboard, im gonna ask him to make a trancey background atmosphere for it.

have a listen,
http://www.blueit.net.au/intro_demo.mp3

here is a video of it.

I thionk the music to the song should not be so boy band and more of an punk sound. i would sing it for u if u can find someone to play the music

jase does have a really good voice aswell.

just thought i'd uh, add that in there.

i think you need to slow the first few notes down a little.. and then slowly pick them up right before you get into the song.

i don't think it sounds boy bandish at all... although i think there may be a little too much finger plucking at the start... if there was some form of backing vocals (mainly harmonizing) or strings, even piano in there after a little while, and just before the strumming it would sound entirely beautiful.

for the voice harmonising i'm completely thinking pink floyd dark side of the moon style... would be slightly eerie but amazing, especially if the finger plucking sped up a little, then paused just before the strumming.

The strumming needs to be cleaned up just a little, so you get a fuller sound.

you've got a good start there for sure... plenty of potential!

And as for your recording from your phone, it is faintly butterfly effect-esque... perhaps with a little dead letter circus? I like that as an intro... very much so.

I miss having so much free time before i started working full time... i was in the middle of writing a song on guitar, and i bet you anything i couldn't remember it now if i tried...

i don't think you need to play this on electric either... i think it's more beautiful with acoustic guitar.

I need a lyricist! Someone come around and collaborate with me!
I've writen a fair bit of rhythm guitar music that I think sounds not too bad, and a few lead riffs, I just need a lyricist..

Oh and Brad, I think some power chords, heavily distorted but still soft, just as a backing would go great. Deep ones, probably in D.. You know, like the ones in Rage..

*helps*

here is the second lil diddy, meant to be played behind the main lead in the background
http://www.blueit.net.au/recording2.mp3

nice.

those lyrics you wrote, i just figured out that it would sound really awesome as soul type song. i just sang it that way and it works really well...

totally chill.

i love soul muchly.

although i'm aware you didn't intend it that way. it just works is all.

soul...how upbeat though? im still kinda stumped on whats the best way to play that song, with that intro track i had it already in my head, with that one ive been making it up as i go.

the first time i sang it it was upbesat... now i've looked at it again and adjusted the way i was singing. not upbeat at all, nor is it flat...

you know how soul has that unique sorta sound lol... i wish i could write lyrics

hows this, give me a 10mins ill upload something. see if its what you mean.

i can't get it, i keep singing it differently now. every time it's something else lmao.

here, have a listen to this. this is the basic chords and would sound alright if i had more filler to it. i also got messy at the end though but meh you get the idea

http://www.blueit.net.au/Sound clip 19.wav

has anything come of this mr. bradley?

yea, ive got like, 5 songs now but i think im just going to rip the best lyrics out of each into a song i can actually make.
heres one im still working on:

This would be a great song to produce, no chorus, just two verse's (acoustic with electric/band at certain times going with the tempo). i really like this one, its not meant to be sad but a song about letting go aswell as change, however spin you put on it.

[Verse 1] // steady tempo, notes ring out progessively, muted acoustic
times are changing
memories you just cant erase
ill keep my head up high
as my heart falls out of grace
// tempo increases here, clean or maybe distorted electric/band
i know im not perfect
or what you'd expect
and the last thing i need is the disrespect
but all these things,
i hold inside
They take away the pain,
of being denied
a simple chance,
at a greater life
\\ Slows down here, acoustic muted strumming (let "fly" and "goodbye" ring out)
So i can fly,
and say goodbye.

\\ I'd really like a long, acoustic medly bit here, with a slow electric solo.
OR, depending how it would sound, a band (powerchords, drums)

[Chorus]


[Verse 2]
So here i am,
waiting for the world to stop spinning, now
a battle of emotions
with no chance of winning
\\ Again, tempo increases
I keep telling myself
That your alright now
your light shines through me
like stars in the night


\\ Slows down
So i can fly,
and say Goodbye